Mop-Up RAW 10.02.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
"i have tried oh i have tried to read your piss poor writing but once again i come away with a tightened chest . this makes me wish you were in front of me so i could mop-up the floor with your face.you are a talentless,useless,annoying,bumbling idiot and your ideas areshoddy"
heath in albany ny CapitalDistrictSourceOne@compuserve.com
Bumbling? How does one translate "bumbling" in words?
Have we, as a culture, embraced this "lower case only" fad? Did I miss the boat again? I missed the "Underwear sticking over the waist" movement of the early-mid 90's and I swore NEVER TO MISS A TREND AGAIN! Did the lower case movement get past my notice? Is this what the kids are doing today?
"Over on Nitro, practically the whole show can be outlined, starting right at the top, where Vince Russo has plugged himself in as the main event opposition for WCW Champ Booker T, in a title match for the Title."
Scaia, in a recent OO report.
Well, thank GOD he stressed that it would be a "title match for the Title". We might have been confused. No WONDER he fancies himself the smartest writer on the Net. In all fairness, he was probably "drunk" when he wrote that. He can outdrink us ALL... but he's NOT an alcoholic... oh no... he's MUCH too willful for that.
Hey, I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. Things to do and people to do harder, so let's jump into some openers... to settle ourselves in for another week... eeeeease our way into the recap.
#1: As always, some plugs. This week's And Another Thing is about Eric Bischoff. In a STARTLING deviation from the Internet norm... not once do I use the word "sucks" in the piece.
This week's closer is about this Movie Game. It'll be the last time I need to have a closer about it. After this week, I should be down to a couple of winners
#2 In case you ever wonder why I never give CRZ the type of shit I give his buddy, Assface Scaia... here's why...
"Look for me on Nitro tonight. I'll be the one with the "SCAIA RULES" sign, but you know I'll be doing it for YOU, baby."
Now, how can I hate someone who knows how where to hit me like that?
Speaking of which... he told me that he is NOT being sued, it's all petty nonsense, and as usual, Mr. Shannon is talking out of his ass. Which he excels at. Why am I involving myself? Just goes with the territory of being the unofficial, REAL, "Netcop".
#3 NOW... while we are on the subject... I am not looking to re-start some old shit... but this week someone sent me a piece of business from a year ago that I KNOW you'd want to see. Remember when I was at SCOOPS? Well, if you don't, I was at SCOOPS last year... and someone sent me Bob Ryder's phone number... which I posted on my ICQ profile. Bob flipped, threatened to sue, and threw SCOOPS into a tailspin for a good 3 days. Then SCOOPS realized that since I put it on my ICQ profile, they really aren't in any danger. In fact, they basically told Bob to screw. The situation died down and eventually drifted away...
BUT... I always wondered WHO told Bob about this? I mean, the shit hit the fan on this within just a few hours after I posted it (on a Thursday that week), so I wondered... WHO out there was sitting there and WAITING for the Mop-Up to be posted that week... then saw what was up and RAN to Bob Ryder to tell him? Who, I wonder? Who?
----- Original Message -----
From: Sean Shannon To: bryder@prodigy.net Sent: Thursday, November 18, 1999 9:45 AM
Subject: Problem
Mr. Ryder:
While I have had a problem with you this past year stemming from your reaction to WCW's legal threats against me, I thought it only fair to bring to your attention that Scoops' Chris "Hyatte" Gaudreau has published your home phone number in his entry in the ICQ directory, and has advertised it in his Raw report for this week.
In case you did not know, by doing so Gaudreau has placed himself in violation of US Code Title 47 Sec.227(a)(2)(B), Sec.227(b)(1)(C) and Sec.227(b)(3)(C). I would strongly recommend that either you take action against him for doing so, or at the least threaten action and force him to issue a public apology.
One of my online compatriots recently had similar problems with Gaudreau, and went to Remy Artega, the head of Scoops' parent company, and received prompt attention. You might want to e-mail him (Brian Sullivan) at the_infoman@geocities.com to ask how he handled his situation.
Again, I thought it only fair that I inform you about this, so you can take the steps you believe necessary.
Sincerely, Sean Shannon
Webmaster, Rantsylvania.com
Leader and founder, New World Wide Web Order
----- Original Message -----
From: Bob Ryder To: Sean Shannon Sent: Thursday, 18 November, 1999 12:15
Subject: Re: Problem
Thanks for the information. I'm taking action on it today, and Scoops has removed that portion of his column and has told me they are dropping him from the website.
------------------------------------
Well, it wasn't that big a shock. In fact, he admitted it a few times already, but it's fun to see the actual letter.
Post nothing... share nothing... because it may take a day, or a year.. but I will eventually GET MY HANDS ON IT!!!!
"US Code Title 47 Sec.227(a)(2)(B), Sec.227(b)(1)(C) and Sec.227(b)(3)(C)". HAW... what a goober. To take the time and look it up. Unless he made the whole thing up just to impress Ol' Bob.
Brian Sullivan "handled" it by crying like a bitch over something I said about him after he kept asking and asking for myself and my readers to "flame him"... so I did. He couldn't take it.
Oh, and for the record... check the date.. November 18, 1999... I stayed with SCOOPS for two more months, then walked on my own accord. Nobody "dropped" me.
Two douchebags... the net is swimming with them.
#4: 411 is involved in a truly great website that reviews, sells, and promotes video games. It's around the site somewhere. Check it out and buy some shit. Me, I'm still running around bragging that I am the only guy I know who beat Mike Tyson.
Jesus... I'm so old, I remember when "Berzerk" was all the rage
#5: F-Freddy, F-Jason, F-Scream, F-The Blair Witch Project... F-Them ALL. The ONLY movie that will truly scare you and KEEP you scared LOOONG after it's over is the "Exorcist"... you WILL shit your pants, my friends. Go to the theater and see the re-release. It'll creep you out so bad you won't even get horny when your girlfriend (or boyfriend, faggottyass) grabs your shirt with her hands and buries her face in your chest.
#6: Finally... try to watch the Debates. Grow up, get involved, get offline for once in your miserable lives and see the two men who want to be your leader discuss their plans. Don't vote, but see what the score is. For Chrissakes, be AWARE!!!
And... umm... well... no, that's it. I had soemthing else... but it'll keep. Anyone feel like a recap of a little rasslin'? Yeah? Well, lucky you, 'cause I got me a pair of recaps right here. Starting with:
RAW IS WAR (or: Is everyone from Brooklyn a homo?)
-Opens with the ending to "Nash Bridges"... boyoboy... how DOES Don Johnson stay looking so young while running hard into half a century on this planet? Looks like Sonny Crockett had one or two "meetings" with Dr. Facelift.
-OOPS... I forgot... old habits die hard here...
-Opens with the ending to "Martial Law". I think Arsenio may make a serious run at Goldberg's squash records. Currently, Arsenio has squashed THREE TV shows.
-The man was the black heir to Carson's throne... now he's playing a tiny man in phone commercials. Lo how the mighty have fallen.
-GOOD!!! Arsenio completely sucked. The man met no ass he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't slobber over.
-Those people over there are... People who still get their phone calls returned by Eddie Murphy
-WWF: One World.
-Before I forget, I'd just like to point out that "DJ Scribble" is no different from Rikki Rachtman. They even look the same.
-opening theme
-Some fans, some of those 'splosions. We are in Washington D.C. Hey, I've been there. Great place for running... very flat.
-DC... home of the Million Man March. Did that ever accomplish anything, anyway?
-Well, it did... FINALLY... get all the white folks out of the city for a weekend
-Marion Berry still around?
-Tiny box in the corner says, "Transmito En Espanol"... then underneath it called me a "SAP". WHY AM I A SAP? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU ESPANOLES?
-Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are on hand. Ross assures us that "The WWF Superstars are shining in our Nation's capitol!" So don't look directly at them, people... they WILL burn your retinas.
-ugh
-*sigh
-ugh AND *sigh
-*sugh
-The Rock steps out. Trying real hard to make sure we know that Austin must now SHARE the show. (Oh, it's gonna be SO fun watching this inevitable ego clash!)
-Rocky has business in the ring, and after 3 MINUTES OF POSING... he finally got to it.
-"Finally, the Rock HAS THE DAMN RING ALL TO HIMSELF!!!" Then he started a jealous little rant about how he don't see Austin getting paid 5 mil to run around the desert in loin cloths.
-5 million... meanwhile, David Caruso is stumbling around drunk in his house mumbling, "What happened?"
-Ross, being more prophetic than he could possibly know, "D.C LOVES the ROCK!!!" and you wonder why Marion Berry was re-elected? The whole city is on crack!
-Rocky says that there are few things in life that bring on a "gut instinct"... like when you see a Fly, you swat it (Or pull it's wings off... or put it in the microwave... or mix it into your Grandmother's oatmeal and call it a raisin... or drop it in your Girlfriend/Wife's chooch and see if the bitch feels ANYTHING down there.)
-When you see a puppy, you pet it! (no puppy jokes... I love dogs)
-Or... if you are Marion Berry and you see crack.... (long pause)
-Ross informs me that Berry is the FORMER Mayor. Okay, thanks.
-Lawler DEMANDS to know what Berry does...
-Rock finishes it by saying, "You SMOKE it"... (eh... obvious finish)
-Say, did the Rock just tell the kids that it was okay to smoke Crack! My God, he DID!!!!
-And if you see Kurt Angle's "condescending, smiling, smug face"... if you're the Rock, you're gut instinct is to take a chair and smash it.
-Which was exactly what the Rock was primed to do on Smackdown, last Thursday... uh oh, he's smiling... COMEDY ALERT, COMEDY ALERT!!!
-Until Stephanie McMahon-Angle... BIG pause... cue the laugh track!
-Rock shook his head quickly, "oh, no... that's not it... Stephanie McMahon-HELMSLEY (wah wah wah waaaaaaaah) stuck her nose into it and cost him his match (or, as Old Dirty Bastard said when he jumped on stage at the Grammy's two years ago... "costed"), and allowed Angle to beat the Rock and do his "Olympic Celebration."
-Rocky has no problem with Olympic Celebrations (oy... this may take a YEAR), asamattaafac... Rocky enjoyed the Olympic celebration of this dude, Rulan Gardner (??? So sorry, I missed the Goodwill Games this year) who took on a Russian (Commie BASTARD!!!!) and laid the Smackdown on his candy ass
-After winning... Gardner cartwheeled a little... rolled a little... then stood on the Podium with a big smile.
-let me just stop the Mop-Up right here and announce that in MY world.. there is only ONE Gardner... that would be Guy Gardner!!! Guy F-Ing Gardner... no, not that little pussy they got now... no... the ring... the attitude... the goddam bowl haircut. The Guy Gardner DC Comics USED to have, until they totally pissed the character down to a mid-card jobber. DC blew it man... just totally blew it. BRING BACK GUY GARDNER DAMMIT!!! THE KICK ASSIEST HERO OF ALL TIME!!!!!!
-I could write the sumbitch back to total greatness within 6 issues... unfortunately, I'm on 411... so I only have Russo reading.
-Rocky goofed on Angle's tears... and surmised that if they had panned the camera down a little that day, they might have saw a stream of monkey p(bleep) running down Angle's leg, too.
-Thusly, Rocky called out Angle for a shot at the WWF title. Or, if you want to be like Scaia, Rocky called out Angle for a title shot at the WWF Title.
-My God, Kurt even came out!! I had bet that Foley would come and prolong this... RAW IS FINALLY WISING UP!!!
-Angle assures Rocky that NotGuy Gardner did NOT defeat the unbeatable... because he never beat ANGLE. Then Kurt registered his outrage at Rocky for goofing on his Olympic Celebration.
-See, while a few local newspapers may have covered Gardner's win... it was ANGLE who captured the heart of America, four years ago! (AHEM... I do believe that in the Summer of '96, America's heart firmly belonged to a little ray of Sunshine known as HARVEY FIRESTEIN in the movie "INDEPENDANCE DAY"!!!!! To this DAY, the nation is still swept up in the delightful catchphrase, "David, why did I send my Mom to Atlanta?")
-Kurt gave these people... (you and me included)... something to BELIEVE IN... unlike OTHER Olympic Heroes from DC... such as Michael Jordan, who... who... I DON'T SAY SABOTAGE!! YOU SAY SABOTAGE!!!!
-OBSERVATIONS, MR SPOCK!
-Angle said that he didn't need Stephanie's help the other nihght and he certainly did NOT "get lucky" (heh... virgin) and if Rocky wants to go, then he will show ALL the kids out there how to "Be Like Kurt" (by beating up a black guy? Isn't that what Redneck fathers are for?)
-Before they could have an IMPROMPT MATCH THAT WOULD ROCK THE FIRST QUARTERLY RATINGS...
-Mick Foley came out to prolong things (*sigh... the company is just as dumb as ever)
-Mick addresses Angle and says that he's been in Wrestling for a long time. He has seen some sick things, some nauseating things, some gut wrenching things... (come now... the push of Erik Watts wasn't THAT bad... and he REALLY DID EARN IT!!!)
-But NOTHING sickens him more than the image of a nation filled with "little Kurts"... (okay, so we can definitely say that Foley will NOT be joining the Aryan Brotherhood any time soon)
-Foley said that he can appreciate Rocky's desire to knock the guy around a little, but it will have to wait... because there is someone ELSE backstage who wants a piece of Angle real, bad...
-3H came out with his Wife... the one with the teeny titties
-HHH first told Rocky NOT to make fun of Kurt crying on the podium, because that's HIS job. Then HHH and Foley mocked a little sobbing together.
-HHH spelled it out clearly for Angle... Stephanie McMahon-Hemsley is not his friend, not his pal, not his ally, not his buddy, not his chum, and not his compadre (so... she can still blow him then? Right? Let's face it, who would WANT to be friends with a girl he actually takes that thing into her mouth? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO WITH OUR THINGS??? OH, IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHERE OUR PECKERS HAVE BEEN!!!)
-What Stephanie is... other than being one of the hottest women on the planet... (man, do I miss Kaitlen Ashley) is Hunter's wife! (Yet, he lives with Chyna? Wow... stud! Of course, the question is... of the three, who gets it more in the seat?)
-Now, HHH is MORE than ready to move on with this storyline. Enough with Angle... it's time for something fresh, something innovative, something NEVER BEFORE SEEN!!!
-So, now HHH wants the Rock and wants HIS title back... (Rock vs HHH? It's about bloody damn time!)
-See, Rocky never actually PINNED HHH for the title (he didn't? God, I have already forgotten how it happened. These F-ing shows... THEY ARE BLEEDING TOGETHER DAMMIT!!! WRESTLING IS JUST ONE BIG RUN-ON SENTENCE WITH NO END IN SIGHT!!!)
-in case you care (and Lord knows you probably don't), GWB is handing Gore his ASS 18 minutes into the debate.
-GWB, "As well as inventing the Internet, I'm beginning to think he invent the Calculator!" (thus, dumb asses like me now are going to vote Bush in... just because he got off that one zinger).
-ABC, CBS, NBC, and various Cable outlets are covering this. Fox is running "Dark Angel"... WB has "Buffy" and "Angel"... UPN, well... who cares about UPN unless Smackdown or Voyager is on?
-Al's cheeks are too rosy. GWB looks more... "human"?
-screw it... VOTE FOR BUSH!!!! HE CAN'T BE THAT BAD!!!!
-man, I just want the Clinton Dynasty to END. HE HUMPED THE MOUTH OF A 21 YEAR OLD INTERN!!! AND THAT'S THE ONLY ONE WE KNOW ABOUT!!! HE LIED TO US!!! HE LIED, DAMMIT!!!
-argh... now I'm riveted to these debate... it was my one single shot at beating CRZ to getting the RAW recap out... now I'm stuck. Here, I'll throw out snarky remarks on the debate for a little change of pace. If you don't like it? Bye bye!
-Bush seems way intent on getting that Senior Citizen vote.
-Uh oh... Bush is talking about Abortion... he's going to win or lose the election on this topic alone.
-LET THE WOMEN ABORT THE KIDS!!! SCRAPE THEM ALL OUT!!! COME ON!!!
-Bad move George... he just allowed Al to dramatically preach about how Government should NOT chose how a woman runs her life, how it should be the WOMAN'S choice whether or not to give birth. Bad move. Maybe even fatal.
-The fun is watching all the calculated body language. Listen to Al sigh deeply whenever GWB says something that he's about to piss on.
-Interesting, Bush seems to enjoy using the word "interesting" a lot.
-oops... Al has very diplomatically shown that Bush is not very educated on the problems with Serbia... politely pointing out that Bush's plan to get Russia involved is silly since Russia does not recognize that Serbia just elected a new ruler.
-40 minutes into this... I think Al is winning.
-Bush's dedication on strengthening the military is STRAIGHT out of Reagan's Playbook, kids.
-Bush keeps talking about Gore's "fuzzy math"... oh man, I PRAY he doesn't pull a Ryder and start talking about a "Magic Calculator"... I think my head would officially explode.
-GWB is getting steamed... it's fascinating to watch him while Gore talks.
-Bush does NOT deny giving hefty tax breaks to the wealthiest 1% of the nation (Does Vince McMahon qualify).
-Bush has Gore beat in terms of Education... no question. I hear Texas graduates more Inner City kids out of High School than any other state. Of course, many those graduates still end up riding "Old Sparky" in about 20 years, but it's a start.
-Texas has the highest educated McDonald's Employees in the COUNTRY, DAMMIT!!!
-Al is really harping on that "tax cut for the wealthy" issue. This is his attempt to get the middle class to resent GW.
-Meanwhile, GW is harping on that "they had eight years to make good on their promises" issue... WHICH subliminably reminds us that Al is still living in Clinton's shadow.
-Why is Bush sniffing all the time? I thought he was off the coke?
-ooo... Bush promised to put in an Attorney General who will ENFORCE the Law... nice shot at that PUPPET known as Janet Reno
-okay, I guess this is enough... F-You... THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN HALF NAKED MEN RUBBING AGAINST EACH OTHER, YOU LOSERS!!!!
-of course, it would have been nice if my debate recap was actually FUNNY... but oh well. I ain't no Mark Russell.
-Final Analysis: Bush scored some points, but Gore walked away the ultimate winner, in both smoothness and presentation... a close race.
-BUT... GWB looked... more... "real"? I don't know, he just seems more outsiderish.
-one last thing, you know how both men ALWAYS speak beyond their allotted time? It's intentional. It shows passion over preperation.
-okay, back to rasslin'... damn you
-So, HHH asks Foley for one last jam with Kurt Angle tonight, THEN he can mix it up with Rocky.
-Twice now, Foley referenced Washington DC and popped up his thumb. The second time caught me off guard and I chuckled. But, in all fairness, I might just be laughing because I just smeared Alpo on my nuts and my Dog is licking them... I'm very ticklish down there.
-Foley decided that HHH and Angle will go at it tonight, and the winner will be the #1 contender for the WWF title... okayyyy...
-..this brings out Chris Benoit, who is "sick and tired" of (umm... coming out there and challenging Rocky to a match that EVERY moron watching knows he will NOT win?)
-well I'll be... I was RIGHT.
-Benoit says that he WILL get his mitts on the Rock, and if Foley was smart, he'd put it in the ring. And if Mick doesn't? Well, Benoit assures us that HE will pay, the ROCK will pay, and the PEOPLE will pay... (oh by God we're already paying... including the Debate inclusion, I've been on this segment for 4 hours now)
Mop-Up RAW 10.02.00
By Hyatte
-Kane came out. he got right in Foley's face and ELOQUENTLY... ARTICULATELY told Mick that it is HE whom should get the Rock's belt. Because he has a burnt penis.
-Then RIKISHI stepped out (how HE gets away with being fat while Mark Henry and TBS are jogging for miles in wet suits is beyond me). Rikishi wants to jam his ass into something SPAWNED FROM THE FIRES OF HELL!! (rumor has it that Patterson was sitting down backstage with an erection and a jar of Bull's Eye Fire Sauce sobbing, "I tried my best, dammit"... just when Pat thought he was out... I PULL HIM BACK IN!!!)
-Foley stepped back in and booked Rock and Rikishi against Benoit and Kane . That seemed to end this as all the "heels" walked out.
-Rocky, of course, needed to have the last word and said that since Kane wanted to "find things", and Benoit wanted to "prove things"... Rocky wanted those two to go find a quiet place to be alone... then Benoit can "pull his pants down" and PROVE to Kane that he is not a Woman... and Kane can FIND out whether Benoit has a penis... and after they "play touchy feely with Benoit's inky winky"... (who WRITES this stuff? Oh, homo jokes? Penis references? Take a wild friggin' guess as to who would be obsessed with the male "pee pee"... or P.P).
-Both Kane and Benoit tried to rush the ring...they were stopped. It should be noted that Angle was smiling and enjoying the crap out of this. Someone else's turn in the hole.
-commercials... FINALLY!
-Am I crazy or is Will Ferell in EVERY MOVIE MADE FROM A SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH? He isn't even all that funny. He is NO Phil Hartman.
-The Hardy Boyz came out with Lita. Poor Essa Rios... and you thought Marc Mero took it up the seat once Sable blew up?
-The Too Cool came out to HOT, NEW MUSIC!!!! And two HOT, NEW BABES!! Alas, they are still doing the SAME OLD CRAP!!!
-Scotty went at it with Matt. Matt got off a fast Flying Leg Drop, Followed by a Jeff, Springboard-Backspring-Top Rope-Leg Plancha-Moonsault.
-Jeff did a mock dance in front of Brian Christopher. Has it ever occured to you just how ridiculous these four men look? For Chrissakes, look at their hair... their clothes... WHY CAN'T WE BRING BACK THE FEATHERED BACK, PARTED DOWN THE MIDDLE HAIRCUT???? WHY OH WHY???
-The Hardyz went for their leg-smash-into-the-opponent-in-the-corner-with-the-added-assistance of-the-team-mate-who-his-on-his-hands-and-knees-and-was-used-as-a-launching-pad move (I think it's called the "Sidewalk Slam") twice. The second time, they missed.
-Scotty performed the Worm.
-Edge and Christian ran out. Edge speared Christopher by accident. The Hardyz got the win.
-Backstage, HHH confessed to Stephanie that something doesn't feel right. Then he reached behind and under him, fidgeted around, pulled out his car keys, and said, "Ahh, that's better. I was wondering where these things went."
-commercials
-During the commercials, Christian bitched to edge about how this whole show "unabashingly, perpendicularly, totally sucks". Edge agreed.
-Foley popped into camera range and said that the boys can get a title shot tonight. At the Hardcore Title. Edge called Mick a "heinousitist" (wasn't that Luger's first major gimmick when he came into the company and after the IBF bombed?)
-Tazz and Raven came out. Allow me to hop on the bandwagon and say that Tazz RULES on "Heat". ("Hey, why didn't Stone Cold Steve Austin cross the road? because he didn't want to get run over again! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!")
-The Milky Way SLAM of the Week RUDELY cut off Ross's introduction to the Milky Way SLAM of the Week which RUDELY cut off Ross's introduction to the Milky Way SLAM of the week which RUDELY... (it's like when you position two mirrors so that they reflect each other's reflection of each other's reflection of each other's reflection of each other's reflection of each other's reflections into infinity)
-X-Pac comes out. This shall be a six man fight with these three against...
-Jericho... who comes out like an idiot and gets ganged up on.
-and the Dudley Boys... who run out to make the save.
-Tazz took a head shot to the balls... which was preceeded by Buh Buh screaming, "What is up?" (You kids had best start learning the Queen's English if you want to succeed in this world)
-Does Raven let the inside of his pockets hang out as a testiment to how POOR he was growing up? Isn't that something BISCHOFF would have come up with?
-Jericho was in and had Raven in his Walls thing... X-Pac stopped it.
-Tazz put Jericho in the Tazzmission... Buh Buh stopped it.
-3D on Raven.
-Lionsault on Raven
-The Faces won.
-THE WWF IS RUINING RAVEN!!! TOTAL BOTCH JOB ON HIS DEBUT!!! (just thought I'd get that in early before all the lesser columnists do when they want to act like they know something)
-Steve Austin has arrived at the building. Actually, he's been there since noon, but the dumb ass left his bag at his Hotel room.
-commercials
-Stevie Richards catches Mick Foley reading Chyna's Playboy. Mick shows no guilt.
-The RTC comes out and demands something out of Foley. I'm sure we'll find out what later on.
-Why not put the RTC into a program with Tazz and Raven? What's left of the ECW fanatics will EAT UP the re-union of Raven and Stevie Richards
-Why not I just go f-myself?
-Backstage, Jacqueline beats the crap out of Lita. We also get a shot at Essa Rios in the shower. He was probably scrubbing it. Jacky also smears lipstick all over the cutie pie. Making her look quite like every date I've ever had after I jammed her head into my lap and screamed, 'TIME TO PAY FOR THE DINNER, WOMAN!!!!!!! BOOYAAAAA"
-yes, I scream "booyaa" in real life.
-of course, it's a CHICK brawl... so the girls have to awkwardly run into the props after being thrown across the floor.
-At one point, Jacky climbs on the hood of a semi-truck... Lita follows her. Jacky turns around, sees Lita standing there, and screams, "WHAT THE HECK?" For some reason, I laughed.
-Rocky and Rikishi were ready.
-commercials. Winona Ryder is in a movie about the AntiChrist. This movie was supposed to be a big Millennium thing, but was delayed a full year. I have NEVER been turned on by Winona Ryder. Why do I waste your time by saying this? I have no idea.
-on one of the WWF's "minor" shows, well get Ross and Lawler spinning tales about the last few years as a team, and we'll get clips of "The Mummy 2". That's worth skipping Church on Sunday for.
-Kane stomps out. If YOU can come up with a better adjective, be my guest.
-Benoit marches out. See above.
-Rikishi waddles out. See above's above
-Rocky strides out. Ditto
-We are halfway done... by now your eyes should be blurring.
-Kishi goes at it with Benoit. He drops a BIG leg on Benoit, (as opposed to dropping a LITTLE leg, Hyatte? You stupid motherF-ing retard???)
-Rockety Man gets in and works on Benoit. Benjy (and the jets) fights back. Thus ends my One Mark Tribute to Elton John.
-Kane goes to work on Rocky.
-Lawler and Ross comment on Kane's sudden penchant for dialogue. Ross quips that Kane must now talk because his old kazoo style of speaking was a one trick pony and then snidely remarked, "I wonder which no-talent moron who jumped to that so-called 'competing show' scripted that little gimmick?" (oh Jim... can't you just let it GO?)
-I wanna be the minooority... I don' need your authoooority... doo doo doo...
-ooops, sorry... Green Day is on Letterman. Man, they can come up with snappy tunes.
-Kane hits Rock with a Flying Clothesline. Ross comments that varios members of the Redskins were in the house. then Jimmy VOWED that they will NOT get involved in ANY match tonight... then came right out and called Russo a fudge packer. (DAMMIT JIM, STOP IT!!)
-Rocky got TUNED on...
-Then he got the Spinebuster on Kane... followed by a People's Elbow.
-Rikishi got up mid-run and Chokeslammed Rocky. Rikishi stopped the pin attempt.
-Rikishi was tagged. He cleaned house.
-Kane was tossed outside. Benoit came up behind him and chaired him. Then he rolled him in. Rikishi and Maivia got the win. They played Rikishi's music.
-backstage, Mick Foley was walking with DETERMINATION!!! Looks like somene left his kids alone with Uncle Pat again!! (hey, did YOU read that essay on sex and drugs in the WWF that Ryder plugged HUGE ((afterbrieflycriticizingtheauthorfornotnamingsourceseventhoughBobwasreallyshowingthatthewwfwasevilwhilewcwisvirtuous))... I now think Patterson DESERVES a little ball busting!!!)
-commercials. We get our FIRST "TNN: We've got POP" spot. We also got our 20th spot for "The Ladies Man"
-Mick Foley came to the ring. He got on the mic and reminded us that Steve Austin was run over by a car, last November (really? Why didn't I know?)
-He says that while he's been performing his own investigation, so has Austin... by Stunning every sumbitch he comes in contact with.
-Mick said that he already told Austin to stop using the Stunner on everyone... "or else".
-We see that Mick was ignored.
-So, Mick called Austin out to see if they can settle this.
-Austin came out. He gets in Mick's face. Mick tells him that he is NOT Vince McMahon, so there is really no need for them to become adversarial here. This is the WWF... they do NOT rehash old gimmicks!!!!!
-Then they brought out a giant egg in the entrance way and Foley screamed, "YOUR ATTACKER IS IN THAT EGG, STEVE!!! GO GET 'IM!!!" (Dear God, no...)
-Mick REALLY says that he's the Commissioner and he needs to be respected, so he asked Steve very nicely to promise NOT to interfere in matches ever again!
-Austin got on the stick and said that the only thing Foley has been investigating lately is his wife's vag... and Austin is NOT a patient man.
-Austin says that he called "Cleo" on a psychic hotline and asked if she knew who the killer was. She didn't, but she DID pass a message on from Owen Hart saying, "I'm NOT sorry I broke your neck!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA PFFFFTH" Oo, those damn Harts
-ugh... I am a total hypocrite
-Mick said that he DID have a clue as to who may have hit Austin... or at least a prime suspect... and he flew the guy into town on his own expense...
-So, Foley called out Billy "Mr Bad Ass" Gunn... who made his big RETURN!!!
-He got a nice pop... but that could have just been because it's his first time back.
-Gunn hit the ring. Foley said, "Case Closed", then left.
-Austin stared at the Ass. Normally, this would require either a pair of mirrors, or a complete lack of spine, or a farm animal, or a Patterson.
-Gunn got on the stick and told Austin that even though at the time of the attack, his presense was unaccounted for, and he WAS a member of DX... but he was NOT the dude who ran him down. He says his plane was late that night.
-BUT... Gunn said that he DID see the car that hit Austin... and DID see the driver... sort of. He saw Blonde hair... and that was about it.
-Gunn said that he was with the Brooklyn Brawler at the time (oh no... NOT BILLY GUNN TOO!!!!!!) so Austin can check with him for verification!
-Austin got on the stick and said that he believes Gunn, for some reason. Then stunned him anyway, because he never liked Gunn much anyway.
-Austin walked away... after a fashion.
-So, we are down to blonde hair. Either those rumors about HBK returning ARE true... or they may TOTALLY screw with us and make DEBRA the driver!!
-commercials
-footage of what we just saw
-Edge and Christian took on Steve Blackman in a handicapped Hardcore match
-Blackman had a LOT of fun with a trash can lid.
-E & C tied Blackman up in a "Tree of Woe"... it sounds waaay more creepy when James Earl Jones says it (you youngsters have NO clue, do you? But everyone over 25 is nodding their heads and saying, "Bet'cha ASS, Brother Hyatte!)
-E & C each grab a chair. Blackman kicks Edge's chair right into his face,
-Blackman won after driving his foot into Christian's chest. That's an AWESOME move... for my money, it's right up there with Goldberg's Spear.
-earlier today, the RTC were burning Playboys. Wow, listen to Buddy Rose SCREAM!!
-The Goodfather was begging the booing crowd to "see the light".
-commercials. TWO... count them... TWO back to back spots for the "Ladies Man"... now I DEMAND that you NOT see this movie on general principle alone!!!
-The Brooklyn Brawler swears to Austin that he did NOT see the driver. Austin buys it. Austin sticks his hand out. Brawler whips around and lies against the table so that his ass in facing Austin, but his eagerness sends him across the table and down. Gay guys are so weird.
-Video production of the whirlwind promotional tour that Chyna was on that week.... including a stop on TRL. That Carson Daly... two porn stars were on Stern last week (one of them, Alexa Ray, a personal fave of mine) and said they were going to try to get into TRL and get their hands on Daly... that rat jap F-ing JOHN JAKES NOVEL!!!! I COULD KILL HIM!!)
-One fan of Chyna called her a "Nubian Princess"... I thought you had to have slightly "darker" skin in order to qualify as "Nubian"?
-Richards and Venis were backstage.
-Eddie Guerrero came out with Chyna. If she starts crying again, I am GONE.
-The RTC came out. They go right after Eddie.
-Eddie RIPS OFF his Nephew with the Tornado DDT. (later, I hear Eddie banged Chavo's girlfriend... but it was a pass along situation... oh I just suck, this week)
-The rest of RTC ran out for the quick end.
-Austin charged out and stunned everyone white. Who'da thought I redneck Texan would care about a Me...
-Oh... Austin stunned Eddie too. There ya' go.
-Austin's only been stunning guys for like two weeks now... why the HELL are people complaining? FOR GOD SAKES... SHOW A LITTLE PATIENCE... THIS DOES LEAD UP TO SOMETHING!!!!
-Austin starts drinking beer. Mick Foley comes out. Austin offers him a beer. Mick says that he has no choice but to either fine Steve, or suspend him.
-Just before he could say what he's going to do... Austin stuns him. Because Foley always likes to add a little extra, he managed a quick "groan" after getting kicked in the stomach.
-Austin was tossed 4 beers. He dropped every one of them (that damn Owen with his damn reverse piledriver!!). Foley looked PISSED. Not as pissed as his WIFE will look if Mick summons the courage to bring up a possible "comeback".
-Suddenly, Cactus Jack has became the MAN... and not the "cool" MAN either... not like "Hyatte's the MAN!!"... more like "Hyatte had to leave SCOOPS because he was being smothered by the MAN!!"
-commercials
-moments ago. I was still commenting about my OLD, old site... (I'll never rag on my OLD site, because, despite their little idiosyncracies, it was a pretty fun place to write for)
-Mick was backstage, and was FREAKING!!!
-HHH was STILL not sure about tonight... but he DID want his wife to stay in the back during his match... which basically GAVE AWAY THE ENTIRE MATCH!!!!
-Stephanie ran into Chris Benoit. Chris asked, "How's your head?" Stephy slapped him hard. Chris started to cackle. BOOM... right there, he has shown more character than four friggin years in Atlanta.
-commercials
-footage of a WWF Campaign to get some debating going on Smackdown. Do you realize that without the WWF, Mick Foley would have ended his career in his demented Cactus Jack character? Probably damn near broke too?
-HHH came out.
-Kurt Angle came out.
-Time was not wasted.
-Hunter goes on the attack.
-Hunter stays on the attack.
-for you Yoda fans... "Attack, Hunter stays on, yes"
-HHH took off his rib bandage and choked Kurt with it.
-Angle suplexed Hunter on the floor and took some control.
-Stephoneybolonee came out.
-It's all Angle. He starts punching HHH. HHH waves his arm and says "bring it!!" Then he calls for Mick Foley to come out and blade his eye "CUT ME MICK, CUT ME!!"
-HHH laid Kurt on the Announce table, then jumped on the guardrail and dropped an elbow. The table didn't break.
-Ross screamed, "TRIPLE H HAS JUST DROVE HIS ELBOW THROUGH KURT ANGLE'S HEART!!" He said this twice. Not once did he explain how HHH could do this without either killed Kurt or even breaking the skin.
-The Ref was knocked down.
-HHH got Kurt ready for a superplex. In an ULTIMATE sign of ball busting, HHH screamed, "Stand up Kurt, here we go!!" (wow.. rubbing it in!! Hunter MUST be working stiff!! IT'S A SHOOT, DAMMIT!!!!!)
-HHH had Kurt pinned... but remembered that he knocked out the ref. So, he tended to the ref. meanwhile, Benoit came out to cackle at Stephanie some more. Stuffy screamed. HHH to the rescue.
-Angle grabbed a chair. Ross, for the second week in a row and for the second time EVER, "It's MARTIAL LAW out here!!!" (suddenly, I have a craving for a dose of the HOT series "Martial Law" Wouldn't it be so CONVIENENT if it was on TNN either before or AFTER RAW?? Or even better, both BEFORE and AFTER???)
-Kurt tried to chair HHH. But Stephanie grabbed it. Kurt argued with her. Benoit grabbed her and grabbed the chair. HHH grabbed Benoit. Benoit chaired HHH. HHH went down. Kurt pinned him. Kurt won.
-Kurt walked away. HHH yelled HUGE at Stephanie. Stephanie SHRIEKED back.... my ears began to bleed.
-HHH stuck his finger in her face and spoke harshly... then he walked away. Stephanie was left in the ring upset. HHH was steamed. The match ends.
-The show ends. next up, MARTIAL LAW!! (WOW!!! I suddenly get a craving for it and BOOM... there it is!!)
The show was... eh. My life is... eh. Your life is... eh. I shagged yo' Mom last night. She was... eh.
I got us some Nitro to recap. The recap will be... eh.
eh.
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